There are many attributes we possess and some parts of our character that we have accepted as normal but some of these traits of ours could be signs of mental health conditions or unresolved childhood traumas. Some of these conditions could adversely affect our ability to maintain meaningful friendships or relationships as well. BPD is one of those mental health conditions that often go undiagnosed because even individuals sometimes don’t know they have this condition. People with BPD are often blind to their own faults and think other people are the problem (Eddy & Grevitch, 2018). This is why a lot of patience is needed when dealing with someone who exhibits traits of BPD. Many times, they might come across as evil and manipulative but beneath that is someone who is actually empathetic and caring (Insight Therapy, 2020) so read this with an open mind.
The research publications consulted in this article would be provided at the end. Please feel free to verify and read them further.
What is BPD>?
Borderline personality disorder (BPD) is a subtle but potentially destructive mental condition where an individual finds it very hard to regulate their emotions. This lack of emotional regulation makes them act very irrationally or overreact ‘in too many situations’ that do not warrant such an extent of reaction.
They also find it hard to take accountability, and sometimes struggle with depression and suicidal thoughts, or thoughts of harming someone else e.g., stabbing them, poisoning them, cutting their wrists off, or other forms of violence as seen in (Newhill, Eack, and Mulvey, 2009). They also tend to push people they care about away to avoid getting hurt (Dr. Jacobson, 2022). They rarely understand how they make other people feel but they are very sensitive to their own emotions, and how you make them feel (Hayward, 2022).
Borderline Personality Disorder (BPD) is a mental health condition that affects an estimated 1.6% of the adult population in the United States, and 1 in 100 people in the United Kingdom (according to Mental Health, UK). Despite its prevalence, BPD remains one of the most misunderstood and stigmatized mental health conditions, often leading those who suffer from it to feel isolated and hopeless. According to (Mayo Clinic, 2022), people with BPD wish to have love and healthy relationships in their lives as well; however, their attitude, irrational behaviour (abuse, violence tendencies, disrespect), and unpredictable mood swings tend to push people away.
What Are the Signs of BPD?
- A consistent pattern of unstable relationships: this could be unstable romantic relationships, unstable relationships with friends, and many times even unstable relationships with family members and people that genuinely care about them (Kulacaoglu, and Kose, 2018). Do you find yourself being that person that everyone seems to have an issue with, and you cannot keep meaningful friendships for long without breaking off? Do multiple people seem to have the same issue or reason for not talking to you anymore? You might want to take a minute to self-reflect. There are a number of reasons why individuals with BPD traits or tendencies may experience unstable relationships and more on this would be discussed in this article.
- Fear of abandonment: this fear could lead them to be extremely ‘in love’ and want to rush into a relationship. Sometimes, they tend to also stay in toxic relationships because they fear being alone again or being abandoned. The fear of abandonment could also lead them to impulsively walk out of healthy relationships because of certain familiar signs or feeling they are getting from the other person. They would rather be the first to walk away or initiate the breakup before the other person asks for space or a breakup in order to maintain a state of control or power. Some authors refer to this as self-sabotaging. If you find yourself being that person who would excuse themselves first or give the other person space by yourself before they ask for it just from the slightest feeling you get, it might be an indication of BPD. We need to understand people are going through different things and what they are feeling may have nothing to do with us and that may be the time they even need us the most as a friend, partner, or sibling.
{The fear of abandonment usually stems from childhood traumas where a child lost people that they felt safe with such as the loss or disappearance of a parent, experiencing or witnessing abuse, experiencing poverty or feeling helpless as a child (Goodtherapy, 2019). It could also stem from a lack of physical and emotional affection while growing up (Goodtherapy, 2019).}
- Frequent and extreme mood swings: According to (NHS, 2022), people with BPD exhibit certain traits that lead to a love–hate relationship with certain people. Some of the traits exhibited may include emotionally withdrawing from the people they care about, rejecting someone they actually love, or verbally abusing the people they love which could all lead to an “on & off” type of relationship (or unstable relationship) with friends, family or people that care about them. Of course, there is no excuse for disrespect or abuse; however, friends and family of people with BPD (or traits of BPD) may need extra patience to deal with them. This kind of relationship many times would be exhausting for the person without BPD or the person trying to be understanding and accommodating. The first step to solving a problem is actually acknowledging there is one so unfortunately, we cannot help someone who does not want to be helped or does not even want to try to see things from your perspective. You might just keep hurting and damaging yourself in the process. For those of us who might exhibit BPD traits, it is important we try to put ourselves in the shoes of the other person and imagine how our actions could be affecting them, how they feel about us, and how discouraging it might be for them to try to stick around and be there for us. We should be more appreciative of people who see beyond our flaws and stick around, doing their best to be there for us.
- Moving from ‘love’ to ‘hate’ very quickly and vice versa: this could be love for someone or something rapidly changing to extreme hatred over something silly or an issue they know they caused but refuse to take accountability for. People with BPD traits or tendencies rarely take accountability for their actions as indicated in (Avalon Malibu, 2017, Eddy & Grevitch, 2018). They find it hard to see or accept their faults in most cases as they think the problem must be the other person or people. This also roots back to their false perception of themselves, who they think are, and how esteemed they think of themselves.
- Motivation to do things is fuelled by either extreme love or extreme hate (e.g., revenge): people with BPD often have the need to feel either extreme love or extreme hate. The emotional part of their brain must carry some sort of extremely positive or extremely negative energy. This is how they feel motivated to get things done. They find it hard to regulate or balance their emotions (i.e., no stable emotions). They get fuelled sometimes by the need for revenge and this motivates them to acquire possessions, power, position, or money so they could be in a position to spite or punish the other person they consider an enemy. More often than not, the person is not even their enemy but people with BPD traits do not see this as all they are concerned about is how they feel or felt (emotions). They often feel the need to hate someone to feel good. They enjoy keeping malice or just incubating negative energy for no reason and this could be so confusing for people around them who are not aware of BPD traits.
- Tendencies of Becoming Abusive and Controlling towards Loved Ones: it is sad that the people who care most about individuals with BPD suffer the most. One other sign of BPD according to the Mental Health Centre, is that they sometimes see loved ones as abusers from their past, and often take out their vengeance or pour out their anger on friends or family that genuinely care about them. This trait makes them toxic people in relationships and friendship groups, leading to them having the tendency to become abusive or controlling in their relationships. Many times, people with BPD are not even aware that they feel this way or are acting this way. They are also not aware that the reason for them being like that is because of a fear of abandonment, their underlying insecurities, and sometimes, their unacknowledged feeling of being inadequate, or unworthy.
...to be continued
One of the aims of this article is to raise awareness of this issue as many are clueless about mental health matters. This article would be continued in the next post along with tips on how to deal with people exhibiting BPD traits or tendencies as we understand this could be a lot of work and could be exhausting. Let us know your thoughts in the comments section. Have you ever experienced or met someone with the traits discussed so far? How was it like?
This is really an interesting and educative topic as a lot of people are dealing with this without knowing.
I await tips on how to deal with people exhibiting BDP trait.
Kudos to the writer.
Thank you, Tibzy. Yes, there are mental health conditions that many people have but are not aware. That is why we are creating more awareness on mental health topics.
For some reason, I think a lot of people with BPD may get easily misdiagnosed as having bipolar but this shows the clear difference, especially as BPD is consistent as opposed to episodes like in bipolar disorder. I like how this was clearly written out.. I look forward to part 2!!
Thank you, Morenike. Yes, there is a high chance of people with BPD being misdiagnosed. The continuation would be up soon. Stay tuned!
You have my attention
Anticipating the continuation.
Sadly,some of these symptoms are things many Nigerians just shrug off as normal.
That is quite sad but it may be due to a lack of awareness or information on these topics.
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